Why the Ewoks Suck

So for some reason I got thinking today about the Ewoks. You know, those little furry creatures from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi? I came to realize that the Ewoks are to blame for a lot of things, and therefore, suck. How did I come to this realization? Try and stay with me here...

I have no doubt that George Lucas saw the Ewoks as a way to lighten the tone of his Star Wars Saga after the darkness that permeated the second installment, Empire Strikes Back. By 1980, the first Star Wars movie had become a marketing giant, selling toys, comic books, lunch boxes, you name it, all to children. I'm sure many unsuspecting 7 year olds were irrevocably scarred when they went to theatres with their parents in 1980, only to see Han frozen in carbonite, Luke's arm cut off, Vader revealed as the good guy's dad, and the Rebels in a losing position. Much different than the ending of A New Hope. Did Lucas fear he had alienated his target market?

If this is true, than it is clear that soft little, furry teddy bear like creatures were a way for Lucas to bring in the child market again. To apologise for upsetting them in 1980, and promising never to cut off a good guy's hand again. By this point, our younger viewers from earlier in the saga would have grown up a little, and may not have been as concerned with light heartedness, but what a great way to bring in new younglings?

So we are given the Ewoks. Little creatures who like to braid Chewbacca's hair, who serve mostly as cannon fodder for the second act of the movie, who apparently can't bend their knees or elbows, and yet have constructed elaborate tree top homes, rife with STAIRS! Wouldn't ramps be more plausible for an entire race who have no knees? How would an Ewok climb even a ladder if they have no joints? And this my friends, is the basis as to why the Ewoks suck. But wait, there is more...

Many people could say the Ewoks were a surprising success and a veritable cash cow. Now Lucas could corner the market on plush dolls, at this time in pop culture, that meant giving a run for the money on the lucrative Cabbage Patch Kid market. Not to mention there were 2, count them 2 standalone Ewok centric movies released in the mid to late 80s. Does anyone else remember the Ewok cartoon at this time? Nyub Nyub.

The Ewoks directly led to the downfall of the series of prequels released in '99 through 2005. The cute and cuddly, silly speaking Ewoks led directly to the creation of the most hated of hated: Jar Jar Binks.

First seen in Episode 1, Jar Jar Binks was meant to add a lightheartedness to what we all knew was going to be dark and foreboding chapter in the Star Wars universe. Simply put, Jar Jar was a douche. Clumsy? Yes. Dense? Sure. Annoying as all hell? Most definitely. Think of all the screen time wasted to "Meesa Sorry Obi" and other ridiculous ramblings. The entire first movie in the prequel series was lost and forever tainted by this character.

After critics had their way with the whole Jar Jar debacle, Lucas gratefully had the foresight to chop his screentime in the second episode to only a few pivotal scenes. Did anyone else cringe and choke on their Root Beer when they saw Jar Jar dressed in flowing ambassadorial robes? Finally, the icing on the cake, the entire reason why Anakin becomes Darth Vader, why the galaxy is caught in a bloody civil war for decades and much, much more, is because Jar Jar Binks gave the Emperor the power he needed to destroy the Jedi and the Senate. What a douche!

So you see, if we hadn't been subjected to the Ewoks in 1984, we would never have been presented with Jar Jar Binks, who would never have ruined the 3 prequels, who would never have granted the Emperor power, and who would have precipitated a return to great story telling that George Lucas began in A New Hope and Empire, but proceed to abandon in Return of the Jedi.

It could perhaps be argued in the context of the movie, that Jar Jar Binks, was himself evil. Maybe he was a minion of the Dark Side and susceptible to the machinations of the Empire. If this is true, than that would infer that the Ewoks too were underlings of the Dark Side, which means they are wicked, immoral and truly do SUCK.